Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Be Careful What You Ask For

Apparently, I am a slow learner.  Thankfully, I have a patient teacher.  I recently shared with you how God has been dealing with me and my major control issues.  He has made me aware of the subtle ways I attempt to control every aspect of my life, from my family and friends, to work and home.  My prayer has been that God would really show me how to let go of my control and turn it over to Him completely.  There are small tests each and every day.  My score is much higher on some than others.  Yesterday, I did not do so well initially.  It took a bit for me to realize that I was failing miserably in a simple test.

We have been making plans for several weeks now for our youngest daughter to have surgery the Friday before Spring Break.  The timing is perfect because my husband and I are both on vacation Spring Break and this would give us the time to spend with her during recovery.  We have rearranged our schedules to accommodate the surgeons and the post-op appointments.  I made one of my famous “check-lists” to make sure I had everything taken care of in the house, at work and with classes at church so I had no lose ends hanging around simply to annoy me.  After all of my planning, I waited patiently for a call from the surgeon’s office to confirm the time for the surgery.

Finally, the call came.  The nurse and I chatted for a few minutes about the adventure my daughter and I had at Kosair Friday.  What began as a simple CT scan and out by lunch became a subsequent and lengthy MRI that kept up is a recovery room until 3:00 in the afternoon.  After the pleasantries the nurse advised that we had to postpone the surgery because the neurologist that was now assisting with the surgery could not make it Friday.  For some reason I was not able to make it past “postponed”.  This was completely unacceptable. 

I immediately begin to tear up.  I am sure part of my emotional breakdown was out of anger, part from exhaustion.  I e-mailed my two prayer warriors and dear friends, letting them know what was going on.  As I typed the second e-mail God’s seemed to take control of my hands and type out how this was a test of my control issues.  It took a second before it sunk in, but mad did it ever!

Questions began flooding my mind.  The Holy Spirit was making me refocus.  Who in the world do I think I am getting upset that a surgeon cannot make his schedule fit mine?  Why on earth should they accommodate me?  There are several parents with children much worse off than my daughter and all I could think about was the fact that they could not sacrifice to get my daughter’s surgery scheduled.  Who am I to put God on a time table?  He is not required to do anything on my time frame.  After all, he is the creator and author of time. 

I took a brief walk around the block, enjoying the sunshine and asking God to help me get through this.  I know in my heart that He is in control.  My daughter is His child, on lease to me.  Why would He not have her best interest at heart?  He has promised He would never leave nor forsake her, or me.  I made my way back up to my office and sat down, feeling lighter but still with a nagging feeling in my stomach.

I continued e-mailing my prayer warriors who both reminded me that this is God teaching me how to let Him take control.  This is a test that He is giving me.  I have to be willing to allow Him to move freely in this situation and not second guess, worry or get angry because things are not working out the way I want them to.   So much easier said that done!

So, now I wait.  I have to wait for the surgeon and neurosurgeon to decide what procedure will be most beneficial during surgery, plan it out, then call and give me their decision and a new surgery date.  As I sit here in God’s waiting room, He keeps reminding me that this is still part of my test.  Do I trust Him?  Will I continue to trust Him while I am waiting?  Am I really willing to stop worrying about how our  lives will be turned upside down because her surgery is not when I want it to be and allow God to set it when He wants it.  My heart says yes, but my flesh is not agreeing very well.

If you find yourself in God’s waiting room, don’t feel like you are alone!  I am right there with you!  Even more important than that, God is in the room with us.  He is there to comfort us and give us the peace that passes all understanding.  We just have to keep our eyes on Him and trust that He is a promise keeper and faithful to His word.

I am going return to the waiting room now.   So grateful that I am not alone!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Say what?

And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind  1 Kings 19:11

I do not believe in coincidence.  I do, however, believe in “divine intervention.”   I believe that the Lord orchestrates even the smallest details in life.   Recently, He has made this very clear to me.  I am going through Kelly Minter’s “No Other Gods” bible study with some very sweet ladies.  Each of us are so completely different.  Some are tall, others vertically challenged.  Some are thin, others blessed with extra padding.  Some are married, others single.  Some have children, others do not.  Some are close to the Lord, others struggling with their faith.  Despite our differences, we have a few things in common.  First, we are all women, each of us wound up with emotions, expectations, hopes, dreams, fears, and love.  Second, we are all searching for answers.  Why am I going through this storm?  Why does the Lord feel so far away?  What am I supposed to do with my life?  How can I fix this relationship?  Why do I feel this way about myself?  The list goes on and on. 

Listening to all of these questions has brought another question to my mind.  How do we discern the Lord’s voice?  How do we determine when the Lord is actually speaking to us, or when we are so bent on a certain answer that we convince ourselves that we are hearing the Lord’s voice?  This is a question that rings sweet in Satan’s ear as well.  When we are uncertain we are hearing the Lord’s voice, Satan has an open door to step in and begin speaking lies to our hearts.  This is a dangerous place to be, yet a common place for all of God’s children.

So, how do we know if we are really hearing God’s voice?  I believe the answer is more simple than we want to admit.  How do you recognize your child’s cry when they are in a group of other children?  How do you recognize your spouse’s voice saying your name from across a crowded room?  You recognize them because you know them.  You have spent countless hours tending to their cries and hearing their voices.  You are in their presence enough to know them intimately, and, as a result, are in tune to them at all times.

The same must be said of the Lord.  We will know His voice and recognize it immediately when He calls our name, IF we have spent time in his presence, listening to Him on a daily basis.  This is more than just reading over a verse a day, or reading a simple uplifting devotion.  It is getting into His Word and learning who He is.  It is spending time seeking His face and His heart, not just His hand.  Though the concept is common sense, sometimes the daily application is more difficult.  Simply put, life happens.  We start the day intending to spend time in the Word, and before we know it, the day gets away from us and we climb in bed falling asleep in the middle of a prayer promising God we will spend time with Him tomorrow.  I cannot begin to tell you how many years I lived my life allowing it to control me, rather than me allowing God to control it.  But, that is a topic for another day.

I have learned over the years that I will never be able to fully hear and understand the Lord when He speaks to me if I am not spending time seeking Him.  The less time I spend in the Word, the less familiar I am with His voice.  This gives Satan that open door to step in and begin throwing lies at me.  Just like the wind, earthquake and fire that Elijah endured before he heard God whisper to him, Satan’s lies are loud and unavoidable, even easy to believe.  He throws them at us relentlessly hoping that we will not sit still and listen for God’s gentle whisper.  He knows that as soon as we hear God whisper our name, God is going to draw us back in and Satan will lose his footing in our lives.  Out of desperation, Satan will do anything and everything to keep us from hearing God’s voice.  God will continue to whisper to us, we just have to chose to ignore the wind, earthquake and fire so we can hear what He has to say.

So, where does this leave us?    Back at square one.  We will only know the Lord’s voice if we spend time listening to it daily.  Yes, this is a Sunday School answer, but I have learned that often times the simple answers are the most powerful. 

If you are still waiting on an answer to a question, or simply need to hear a word from the Lord, make a daily appointment to spend time with Him and in His Word.  You may not hear his voice immediately.  You may not even hear His voice after weeks or months.  However, continue spending time with Him.  You didn’t have an intimate relationship with your spouse or child over night. It takes time and self discipline.  However, you are guaranteed a great reward when you seek Him with all of your heart… you WILL find Him. 

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.”  Jeremiah 29:13-14

Say what?

And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind  1 Kings 19:11

I do not believe in coincidence.  I do, however, believe in “divine intervention.”   I believe that the Lord orchestrates even the smallest details in life.   Recently, He has made this very clear to me.  I am going through Kelly Minter’s “No Other Gods” bible study with some very sweet ladies.  Each of us are so completely different.  Some are tall, others vertically challenged.  Some are thin, others blessed with extra padding.  Some are married, others single.  Some have children, others do not.  Some are close to the Lord, others struggling with their faith.  Despite our differences, we have a few things in common.  First, we are all women, each of us wound up with emotions, expectations, hopes, dreams, fears, and love.  Second, we are all searching for answers.  Why am I going through this storm?  Why does the Lord feel so far away?  What am I supposed to do with my life?  How can I fix this relationship?  Why do I feel this way about myself?  The list goes on and on. 

Listening to all of these questions has brought another question to my mind.  How do we discern the Lord’s voice?  How do we determine when the Lord is actually speaking to us, or when we are so bent on a certain answer that we convince ourselves that we are hearing the Lord’s voice?  This is a question that rings sweet in Satan’s ear as well.  When we are uncertain we are hearing the Lord’s voice, Satan has an open door to step in and begin speaking lies to our hearts.  This is a dangerous place to be, yet a common place for all of God’s children.

So, how do we know if we are really hearing God’s voice?  I believe the answer is more simple than we want to admit.  How do you recognize your child’s cry when they are in a group of other children?  How do you recognize your spouse’s voice saying your name from across a crowded room?  You recognize them because you know them.  You have spent countless hours tending to their cries and hearing their voices.  You are in their presence enough to know them intimately, and, as a result, are in tune to them at all times.

The same must be said of the Lord.  We will know His voice and recognize it immediately when He calls our name, IF we have spent time in his presence, listening to Him on a daily basis.  This is more than just reading over a verse a day, or reading a simple uplifting devotion.  It is getting into His Word and learning who He is.  It is spending time seeking His face and His heart, not just His hand.  Though the concept is common sense, sometimes the daily application is more difficult.  Simply put, life happens.  We start the day intending to spend time in the Word, and before we know it, the day gets away from us and we climb in bed falling asleep in the middle of a prayer promising God we will spend time with Him tomorrow.  I cannot begin to tell you how many years I lived my life allowing it to control me, rather than me allowing God to control it.  But, that is a topic for another day.

I have learned over the years that I will never be able to fully hear and understand the Lord when He speaks to me if I am not spending time seeking Him.  The less time I spend in the Word, the less familiar I am with His voice.  This gives Satan that open door to step in and begin throwing lies at me.  Just like the wind, earthquake and fire that Elijah endured before he heard God whisper to him, Satan’s lies are loud and unavoidable, even easy to believe.  He throws them at us relentlessly hoping that we will not sit still and listen for God’s gentle whisper.  He knows that as soon as we hear God whisper our name, God is going to draw us back in and Satan will lose his footing in our lives.  Out of desperation, Satan will do anything and everything to keep us from hearing God’s voice.  God will continue to whisper to us, we just have to chose to ignore the wind, earthquake and fire so we can hear what He has to say.

So, where does this leave us?    Back at square one.  We will only know the Lord’s voice if we spend time listening to it daily.  Yes, this is a Sunday School answer, but I have learned that often times the simple answers are the most powerful. 

If you are still waiting on an answer to a question, or simply need to hear a word from the Lord, make a daily appointment to spend time with Him and in His Word.  You may not hear his voice immediately.  You may not even hear His voice after weeks or months.  However, continue spending time with Him.  You didn’t have an intimate relationship with your spouse or child over night. It takes time and self discipline.  However, you are guaranteed a great reward when you seek Him with all of your heart… you WILL find Him. 

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.”  Jeremiah 29:13-14

Monday, March 21, 2011

Confidence

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36

As I sit and type these posts, this verse really speaks to my heart.  I have never been filled with even a small amount of self-confidence.  I remember struggling with this as far back as elementary school.  It was not because my parents told me I was not good enough.  In fact, quite the opposite is true.  I was encouraged to try everything, give it my best and never give up.  I never doubted their love for me, or that I was good enough for them.  I have been truly blessed with amazing, loving parents.  So, let me clarify that my lack of self-confidence is not because of my childhood. 

Looking back, I can see that my lack of self-confidence began early in life.  For some reason I became a people pleaser.  I wanted to make everyone happy, even if making them happy removed the joy from my  life.  I was more concerned about having people like me and approve of the things I did in life.  As I got older this desire to please everyone turned in to my desire to fix their problems.  I had friends dealing with issues at  home, with parents, with friends, with boyfriends and I felt that I needed to help them fix their problems.  My focus was always on them.  I remember crying myself to sleep at night for them.  All the while I was suffering silently, so careful to walk on eggshells and not upset the very delicate balance I had obtained in my life.  The more engrossed I became with their issues, the more I could ignore mine.  Then, one day, I had a heartbreaking experience with a guy in middle school.  My entire world came crashing down around me.  He was the one I couldn’t “fix”.  He was the one than could care less about hearing what I had to say or changing his life.  My already paper thin self-confidence completely vanished.  I had nothing. 

A year or so later I became best friends with a girl that I thought was too good to even waste her time looking in my direction.  She was the first person who really seemed to like me for me and not use me to fix her problems.  She was a pastor’s daughter and had a heart for the Lord like I had never seen before.  She was loving and patient with me.  She kept inviting me to church and to spend time with her family.  They adopted me as their own.  Over time the Lord revealed himself to me through this amazing family, and the new friends I was making at church.  Though I was still struggling with my self-confidence, I was learning how important it was to take a good look at myself, learn to like who I was, change what I did not like and accept what I could not change.  This is heavy stuff for a 13 year old girl, let alone a 35 year old woman!

I still struggle with self-confidence.  However, over the past 22 years of walking with the Lord, I am still learning that my confidence cannot be in my self.  My confidence must be in the Lord alone.  I was reminded in a recent sermon that I am not my own.  I was bought with a high price, and I do not belong to myself.  I belong to the Lord.  Therefore my confidence must be placed in the one who died for me, not in my flesh.  There is nothing I can do in my flesh that will grant me the priviledge of eternity in heaven.  I will never be good enough, kind enough, giving enough.  It is only through the blood shed at Calvary and the life of my Savior given for me that I have the confidence of my eternal home in glory.  

Now, I am not saying that I am a worthless pile of junk.  I know that He has given me gifts and talents to use for His glory.  I know that there are things that I do that no one else can do, or at least not in the same way.  I know that I am able to do some pretty amazing things.  However, I must remember that even those gifts and talents are not from me.  They are from the Lord.  It is my job to work on them, enhance them, nurture them, and even share them.  But the moment I begin to pat myself on the back and boost my self-confidence, my God-confidence fades and I become a miserable person. 

I must never lose my confidence in the one who died for me, the one who has blessed me so richly, the one who loves me just as I am.  My prayer is that of Matthew, that I will let my light shine before all men so that when they see my good deeds they will glorify my Father in heaven, and only look to me as one of His many vessels.

 My confidence is in my Lord, not in me.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Surrender and Trust

As a Christian, can I truly surrender my life to God without trusting Him?  Can I trust Him and yet not fully surrender to Him?  Must surrender and trust co-exist before both are genuine?  And, where does obedience fit with a life of surrender and trust?

I have been asking the Lord for years to show me what true surrender looks like.  I want my life to become that picture for others to see, especially my daughters.  I see other women that I believe have truly surrendered their lives and I am amazed.  A young friend of mine has answered the call to be a missionary in Africa.  She has surrendered her life to the Lord, going back to Tanzania when He sends her.  What is truly amazing, her heart for the people, especially young boys, in Africa grows daily.  I don’t get to talk to my friend about this as she lives out of state, but in her Facebook posts I can see her heart.  As she has surrendered her life to the Lord, she has influenced others to do the same.  When I think of surrender, I think of her.  She has laid her life before the Lord, willing to go exactly where He leads.  Her life is not her own, her life belongs to the Lord.  And as a result, the Lord is blessing her immensely. 

When I think of trust, of someone who truly trusts the Lord with all her heart, I think of another friend.  She is older than I am, and has taken me under her wing.  She has seen many hardships in her life, yet many more blessings.  Over the years God has proven Himself faithful to her, so she trusts Him.  This is a deep, intimate, secure trust.  When I hear her testimony, I wonder how she could not trust Him.  However, her trust in the Lord started during one of the hardest battles in her life.  In the midst of a terrible storm, when she could not see any positive outcome in her future, she decided to trust the Lord.  She decided to trust that He would carry her through the storm, that He would mend broken relationships and restore what was taken from her.  Not only did God heal and restore, He intensified the love in this broken relationship.  I truly believe that God has blessed her simply because she decided to trust in Him.  Hearing her testimony, I know this step of trust was not easy.  She still could not see the future, but she chose to take God at His word, to trust Him.  I don’t think her entire heart was on board at first, but as she learned to trust a little more each day, God won her heart completely and developed an unwavering trust deep inside.

Surrender and trust.  They are two completely different ideas, yet I believe feed off of each other.  When I surrender my life, I am freely giving every part of it to the Lord.  I am not holding back anything.  I am laying my life at my Savior’s feet and allowing Him to do what He wants in and through me.  I am literally saying to Him “I will go where you lead me.”  This is a huge commitment.  I am not going to surrender anything I am or have to someone I don’t trust. 

Trust is believing the Lord wholly and completely.  It is acknowledging who He is and taking his word as true.  Trust is knowing that the Lord has your best interest at heart and allowing Him to lead your life.   When I think of my older friend and the depth of her trust, I see the joy it brings her.  Even in the midst of a recent, sudden storm, she trust the Lord and it reflected in her physically.  She was shaken and tired, yet she was always speaking of the goodness of the Lord and His mercy to carry her through.  She was able to smile in the midst of the storm because she trusted in the Lord and His sovereignty over this storm.

I believe that surrender calls for trust, and trust calls for a surrendered life.  Yet I see in my life that the two do not always go hand in hand.  Through the years of prayer about what a surrendered life looks like, I have been given many pictures and examples.  It is sad to say that many of the pictures in my own life reveal a lack of surrender.  I guess the best way to see what surrender looks like is to see what it does not look like.  So now, I have thrown my hands in the air and laid my life before the Lord.  I believe that, as best I can, I have surrendered my life to the Lord.  I will go where He leads, I will do what He has called me to do.  Trust, on the other hand, is something I thought I had in my life yet more recently am seeing that it is not really there.  I confess with my mouth that I trust the Lord, yet my actions don’t convey that.  In my heart I want to go where he leads me, yet when it comes to taking that first step on the long journey, I hesitate.  I begin to go back to square one with the Lord and ask Him the same questions I have asked a million times.  I am not sure why the first answer did not suffice.  I guess I just needed reassurance.  Wait, if I need reassurance then I don’t really believe the first answer He gave me.   I am not trusting the Lord.  (Let me say this… it is wise to seek the Lord and be confident of what He is telling you before you begin what He has asked of you.  However, when you have your answer from the Lord, don’t go back and second guess Him.  This is a lack of trust.)

My missionary friend trusts the Lord and has surrendered her life to serving in Africa.  My older friend has surrendered her life to the Lord because she trusts Him and his promises.  I would not hesitate for a moment to say that because of their trust and surrender, both ladies are obedient to the Lord.  When He calls, they do not give lip service, saying they are going to follow His lead.  No, these ladies actually do what they say they are going to do.  They follow.  They take that first step, then the next, until they are walking closely with the Lord, obedient to His will.  It may be going to Africa.  It may be sharing the gospel with a next door neighbor.  Whatever He asks, they do.  Granted, they may hesitate.  They may question God about his calling.  They may have a moment of fear and timidity, but in the end, they are obedient. 

As I am dealing with my trust, surrender and obedience, I am reminded that God is not finished with me.  I know that He has began a good work in me and will follow it through to completion.  Part of this work is increasing my trust, revealing to me the beauty of a surrendered life, and giving me freedom that only comes out of obedience to Him.  I pray that as the Lord calls you to trust, surrender and obey that you will do just that.  It is not easy when we have been betrayed or hurt by others, but we must remember that God is good and He will never betray or abandon us.  He is a promise keeper and the only one who can be trusted.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Under Seige

I have spent years in a deep valley, under siege.  I was confused about everything in life and began questioning the very foundations of who I am and why I am even here on this earth.  While in this valley, I allowed Satan to creep in and feed me lies that I accepted as truth.  I was deceived, and, as a result, completely miserable.  The really sad thing though, is that I was “ok” with it.  Why?  Because I was more afraid of facing the truth that I knew I would face as I made my journey up the side of the mountain on my way out of the valley than I was living a lie.  As I questioned why God had chosen me, why He had called me out as His own, I began to listen and believe Satan as he told me that I am unworthy and that God’s patience for me had come to an end.  It seemed this black hole was growing bigger by the moment and I was being overtaken.  Then, one day as I attended my daily pity party, something snapped inside of me.  It was is if the little wimpy kid inside of me had suddenly had enough and fought back.  Envision the scene in “A Christmas Story” when Ralph had finally been pushed too far by Scott Farcus and snapped, attacking him and beating him up in the middle of a crowd of students.  Yes, I was tired of Satan pushing me around and controlling my life, so I fought back.

I had lived too may years under siege, right where Satan wanted me.  As long as I was buying in to the lies he was feeding me, I was not effective for the Lord.  He had me so busy and frazzled, doubting the things that had always given me security.  I am sure he was dancing at each of my pity parties, excited to see a child of God held in bondage to his lies.  I am also quite certain that his joy turned to anger as the Lord’s small still voice rang loud and clear in my ears, reminding me of the truth and debunking the lies that I had believed for so long.

Looking back over this experience has made me question why this happened to me.  I was close to the Lord, deeply in love with my Savior, in His Word daily, and walking intimately with Him.  How in the world did I go from this to being stuck so deep in the valley of depression and a slave to the lies I had previously refuted, but slowly began to believe?  It was as if I woke up one morning, a stranger in my own body, wondering how in the world I had gotten to this miserable place in life.  Only now can I see that this was a long journey and not a weekend trip. 

Satan, the father of lies, is so crafty and so deceitful that we must be on our guard at all times.  If not, we will fall just like I did.  Some falls will hurt much more than others, but regardless the distance of the drop, the pain is intense when we hit the bottom.  The beauty in this ugliness is that God is waiting for us.  Not like a judgmental father pointing his finger in our face tisking us for believing the lies.  Not even with a look of disappointment, though you know his heart is broken.  No, God is there with his arms wide open, ready to hold us and whisper the truth to our hearts.  He is ready to bring the healing and restoration that our souls so desperately need.  The problem comes when we decide not to run into His arms, but rather turn our backs on Him and choose to stand in the middle of our mess, our depression, our bondage.

The fear that makes us turn our backs to our Father’s outstretched arms is rooted in nothing but lies from the one that got us in that mess to begin with.  The only power Satan has over us is the power we give him.  If you are in the middle of a valley, fearful of facing the Lord because He may judge you or be disappointed, STOP LISTENING TO SATAN’S LIES!  He doesn’t want you to leave the valley, he wants to keep you right where you are, miserable.  Why?  Because he knows what God has in store for you.  He knows that the second you run back in the arms of your heavenly Father that he will be defeated, once again.  So, why continue to listen to him?  Why continue living in misery when you have the Father standing, waiting, with arms wide open.  Run to him, and don’t look back.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Hindsight

I have always heard that hindsight is 20/20, and as I have walked this road of faith, I certainly believe it.  A few questions and circumstances recently have made me pause and reflect over my  life.  I have had some really amazing mountain top experiences, as well as a few walks in the valley.  There are certain events that really stand out in my life, events that I would not hesitate to say help define me: accepting Christ as my Savior at 13 years old; wrestling with and finally listening to His call in my life; the day I married my best friend; spending 2 weeks in Mwanza, Tanzania on a mission trip; struggling through 7 years of infertility; losing my first child in a miscarriage; the birth of both of my beautiful baby girls; losing 85 pounds; enduring 2 years of depression; and the Lord delivering me from strongholds that held me captive for years.  

It is so easy for me now to look back over these events and see the Lord’s sovereign hand in each of them.  He moved in amazing ways through His Word and His people.  I can see how each situation has had a profound impact on the person I am today.   I am still a work on progress, and cling to the promise that God will be faithful to complete the good work He has started in me. 

As I sit and think about my life I am finally able to thank God for the good and the bad.  I am thankful for the good things because I feel blessed that God would be gracious to me, loving me enough to bless me the way He has.  I am thankful for the bad things because those are the events and times in my life where the Lord really revealed himself to me.  I am convinced that if life was a bed of roses we would never learn what it means to depend on the Lord.  We would never experience real faith, not the superficial faith that most Christians profess. 

As I am writing this, I have a few friends on my heart.  One friend is struggling with depression and strongholds in her life that have her in bondage.  Another friend is struggling with her self image, physically and emotionally.  Another friend is watching helplessly as her sister is about to lose her last surviving child to cancer.  Yet another  friend is in the process of a painful divorce, desperate to hear from the Lord but is frozen solid in fear.  My heart breaks for each of my dear friends because I know how each of them are suffering.  My cries to the Lord are for strength and wisdom, for discernment and healing.  Our God is faithful and He will take care of His children.  I am confident that He is walking with each of my friends, and that He will continue to walk with them along their individual journeys. 

I feel a burden to tell each of them, and you, not to give up.  Don’t let fear reign in your heart.  Remember that the Creator of heaven and earth has created each of you uniquely and purposefully.  Even when we are in the middle of a storm and cannot see what lies ahead, just remember that Jesus is in the boat with you.  He will not let your boat sink, you will not be overtaken, you will make it out of the storm.  However, you have a choice to make in the middle of the storm.  You can trust Jesus and follow His lead, or you can listen to the lies Satan tells you and linger in the storm longer than you need to.  My prayer is that you will stop listening to the lies Satan is feeding you and concentrate on God’s still small voice.  Close your eyes, drown out the noise of the world, and listen to hear the Lord whisper your name.  The Lord promises us that if we seek Him with all our heart that we will find Him.  So, the real question is, do you really want to find Him?  Or are you content living in the midst of the storm? 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Losing Control

I love and hate when the lord speaks to me about sin in my life.  I love the cleansing process and the fact that He does this to keep me pure, focused and righteous.  I know that He corrects me out of the amazing love He has for me.  As His child, He only wants what is best for me.  Certain behavior in my life is simply not acceptable and needs to be addressed so I can be who He has called me to be.  I hate it because it is painful.  I hate it because I am forced to look at myself in the mirror and see the ugliness that I try to hard to hide or ignore. 

Today is one of those days.  My heart is broken over a sin in my life that I have been held captive by for my entire life.  I look at it in complete disgust, wishing I could just pluck it out of my life, throw it away and move on.  However, this is simply not possible.  This sin runs deep and has roots imbedded in every area of my life.  It will take lots of prayer and time for me to address every area this sin has invaded in my life.  I know that I  will have to begin each day on my knees asking God to help me be supernaturally aware of this sin when it attempts to rear its ugly head.  I must be on guard even more so now because Satan is sees my awareness of this sin and he is going to work even harder to trigger it in my life.

My sin… I am a control freak.  I have always joked about it, but today the joking ended.  As I sit broken before the Lord, I see how my desire to control everything in my life has impacted my marriage, my relationship with my daughters, my work, my extended family.  This list could easily take up several pages if I continued. 

So, how did this all begin?  I am just another cookie cut from the mold that was developed in my family many years ago.  Every woman in my family has somehow obtained and maintained complete and total control of every aspect of their lives, from husbands to children, careers to the amount of dust on the television.  It is a sign of strength and something that was very quietly, almost manipulatively imbedded in the heart of every woman for generations.  The really amazing thing is that the previous generations did not pass this trait on intentionally.   As each female child was born in this family, they grew up learning from the previous generation.  My grandmother learned it from her mother, my mother from my grandmother, and me from my mother.  It became what is expected of women in every generation.  You must be strong, independent and in control of your life.  Not that is a bad thing on its face.  It is only bad when your desire to control everyone and everything in your life begins to control you.

Over the past few months I have been more aware of my actions and reactions towards my husband and my daughters.  I have blamed it on medication, lack of sleep, poor diet, and any other excuse I could come up with.  Deep down I have always known the cause of my actions was more than superficial, it was internal and ugly.  However, I refused to face it.  After a very brief but eye opening discussion with my husband, I walked away broken and begging God to show me what was going on.  I could not understand what was really going on with me, but felt grieved because I was sure there was a sin in my life that was keeping me in this agitated state.  After a sleepless night and tear filled morning, God spoke loud and clear about my control issues.  I get angry or frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t do or say things the way I think he should.  I do the same thing with the girls.  As I thought about it more, I realized I do the same thing in every relationship in my life.  If someone disagrees with me, does something different than the way I think it should be done, responds different that I feel they should or simply does not conform to what I have set as a standard for them, I get upset, angry and frustrated. 

As I sat and thought about what the Lord was showing me, the images of my behavior in certain situations flashed before me.  With every scene that played out in my mind, a new set of tears began falling.  I was so grieved by this ugly sin in my life that all I could do was cover my face in shame and beg God to forgive me.  This is a humble place to be.  Yet as I covered my face and cried out the Lord, He immediately started the healing process.  He reminded me of His forgiveness and love for me, and that He alone could help me leave this sin in the past.  However, I had to make the choice to trust Him and follow His lead.  I had to decide if I really wanted this sin out of my life, or if I was going to continue living in bondage to it. 

I love how our Heavenly Father is not dictating or controlling of us.  He allows us to make our own decisions.  Obviously he knows which we should take and leads us to the right decision, yet when we come to the fork in the road, we must make the final decision on our own.  Are we going to follow Christ, or remain in bondage to the sin?  Are we going to trust Him and know that His will is better for us, or continue in what we have known for so long? 

This new journey in my life will be difficult.  It is never easy to say goodbye to something you have known your entire life.  But, even in the midst of the pain of making the changes and being aware of this sin in my life, I know God has already given me victory.  I just have to choose daily to walk in that victory, focused on Him and seeking to bring glory to His name. 


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Egypt

I love how the Lord uses imagery to allow our finite minds to grasp biblical truths.  Of course He created us and knows exactly what we need to comprehend what He is trying to teach us.  The Children of Israel are one of the most amazing visuals in all scripture.  Every event they endured is a new lesson in and of itself.  One event has been on my heart lately, especially since it has been brought to my attention in different ways this past week, is their rejection of the promised land.

When the Israelites finally reach the border of Canaan, they found themselves faced with putting feet to their faith.  Moses sent men into Canaan to check out the land, the people and the cities and bring a report back.  Of course each man saw something different and had varying opinions, so I am sure the report was not so easy to give.  Some men were excited because they saw the true blessings in Canaan and took God at His Word.  The land was promised to the Israelites through Abraham, it was theirs for the taking.  They knew the large men and fortified cities were God’s way of testing their faith.  God wanted to know they truly believed Him and trusted Him to make good on His promise.  The other men could not see past the obstacles to the fulfillment of these promises.  So, inevitably, the reports were quite different.

As the men gave their reports, the people listened intently.  The only things they knew about Canaan were what they were being told.  As they listened, they gave in to fear of the unknown rather than trust the promises they knew.  The large men and fortified cities were just a bit too much for them to endure.  They were even convinced they would die at the hands of these men, even though they knew they were promised the land.  So, they decided they wanted to go back to Egypt.  At least they knew what waited for them in Egypt.  They were so intent on going back they threatened to stone the men who believed God and were trying to talk them in to taking Canaan.  What a visual!  How many idols and sins in my life have held me captive in such strong chains?  What sins have been pointed out lovingly by my Savior, with a promise that He would give me 100 fold what I am giving up?  How many times have I decided I was more comfortable in my sin, in my Egypt?

I find myself standing at the border of Canaan today.  I know well the promises God has given me.  I know that He only asks me to be obedient, to take possession of my Canaan.  As I lift my foot to step across that border, my hands begin to sweat.  All I have know so far in life has been Egypt and the dessert.  I have heard good things about my Canaan, but I have also been warned of the obstacles.  So, the question for me now is whether the promises God has given are more precious to me than Egypt or the dessert.  If He is, then I need to just go on and put my foot down across the border and start my journey.  I can look back in nostalgia, but I pray my reflections never give me the desire to want to go back into captivity or a dry dessert.  I know I will face obstacles along the way, but I also know God put them there to strengthen me.  So, here we go….