Wow...

In recent days I have felt my heart break during conversations with dear people in my life.  The words spoken were not filtered before they were audible.  They were pure, raw, emotion.  They are words that I have spoken before.  Words that reflected what was deep in my heart.

Why on earth would she...

I would not want someone that looks like that teaching my child…

Why would a mom do…

What was he thinking when he…

They really need to think before they…

I am not sure if my heart broke because I saw myself in the people saying these things, of if it was because I saw a side of these dear people that I did not like. 

We all are guilty of passing judgment on people, even if we do not verbalize our thoughts.  We look at people and situations and immediately determine a person’s motives, worth and status.  We seldom stop and think about what they are going through. 

Maybe…

… she is comfortable in who she is and confident enough to wear an outfit she loves.

… that person teaching your child is there because they love children and want to teach them not only academics, but also the value of not judging a book by its cover.

… that mom is trying her best to raise godly children in this crazy world, and what works for your child may not work for hers.

…  he was thinking about his wife who is sick with cancer.

… WE need to think before we …

I am so guilty of passing judgment on people.  I am truly ashamed to admit that.  But I am learning that the moments when I pass judgment on people are the moments when I elevate myself above them and expect them to rise to my lofty position.  God is opening my eyes wide to the ugliness of judgment and the necessity for love and compassion.  It is uncomfortable at times, but it is imperative if I am going to learn to see people the way Jesus sees them. 

My response to many of these comments this week… “Wow.”  No tone inflection.  No expression on my face.  Just… wow.  But now I regret not responding, where appropriate, with more.  With some sort of non-judgmental accountability statement that would draw their attention to what just came out of their mouths.  But “wow” is all I was able to utter.

On the way in to work this morning I was cut off by a man who was trying desperately to fit his tiny Focus between my Explorer and a TARC bus.  Had I not noticed and hit my breaks his little car would have been wedged between two vehicles in a busy intersection.  My first response was “Idiot!”  My second response after not receiving a thankful gesture was “Jerk!”  Immediately it felt as though my chest tightened and my eyes were opened.  These comments all came rushing back in my head.  I had just passed judgment, twice, on a complete stranger based on his actions.  I have no idea what was going on in his car, what had taken place that morning at home, if he was late to work or an important meeting.  I just now he made me angry. 

Then it hit me.  I don’t necessarily need to call people out when they judge others.  Maybe by living a life that loves more and judges less I will impact others around me.  If I live my life with my arms wide open I will give more hugs and help others see the good, or reality of lives, and use the filters God has given us before allowing all thoughts to verbalize. 

This is a start.  If we stop speaking judgmental words eventually our minds will stop being judgmental, and our hearts will be more loving.

IF...

IF…

My head is still spinning, my heart still pounding and my hands still shaking. 

I did ask God for more.  More of Him.  More love in my heart for Him.  More love in my heart for others around me.  I asked for more.

Not only that, but I had told Him “yes” even before I had asked for more.  I believe I got the two mixed up.  Maybe I should have asked for more, than answered after He had shown me what more looked like.

I am grateful that is not how it happened.  Because, sadly yet honestly, I wonder if my heart would have said “yes” if I had any clue what more looked like. 

More looks like, well, more than I could have imagined.

Sweet sisters gathered together praising the One True God.  Denomination, racial, generational and economic barriers torn down because we all are level at the foot of the cross.  Tears streaming down faces as we come to terms with the love our Savior has for us, a jealous love that will never be outdone.  Knees worn from kneeling in prayer.  Hands lifted high in worship, a simple gesture to symbolize that we surrender all.  Hearts broken over the sin of complacency and the regret for missed opportunities.  Arms embracing one another in support and encouragement. 

Even better, more looks like…

Excitement in the eyes of women that want to say “yes.”  Smiles as discussions lead us to dream.  Voices lifted in prayer and song declaring that we will not be the generation that dropped the ball.  Sacrifices being made to support families in need.  Hands getting dirty in service.  Hearts overflowing, ready to be emptied out and filled again.  Generations coming together in unity and love.  Feet taking the Good News to those who have not heard. 

It’s simple, really.  As Jen Hatmaker said, we have to come to terms with two things.  We must love God, and accept His love for us.  Once we do this, saying “yes” will not only be a natural response, it will be an immediate response.

So I am grateful I said “yes” before I knew what He was really asking of me.  Now the true journey begins.  I do believe I am ready.  Terrified, anxious, crazy… but ready.  And I am grateful to be able to say I have some sweet ladies that are just as terrified, just as anxious and just as crazy. 

So grateful for you sweet sisters!   You are a blessing to me.  I am excited to see what the Lord has in store…

IF? Nope… WHEN!!!!

More…

I have grown weary from comparing myself to others, my house to a friend’s house, my clothing to some super cute and fashionable young lady, my hair to a photos in magazines, and my crafting abilities (or non-abilities) to the posts on my Pinterest page. 

This is not fair.  Not fair to myself, to those I compare myself to, or to my Father.

I have been striving for the past few years to be content.  Content with material things, content with my job, content with myself.  Sadly, and a little embarrassing, I must admit that I even verbally talk myself down from the proverbial cliff that calls me to comparison and ultimate failure. 

Content… my goal.  Noble and godly.  Yet dangerous.

While seeking contentment in these areas of my life, I unexpectedly embraced spiritual complacency as well. 

I knew in my head who God is, how much He loves me, what He has done for me, and who I am in Him.  This was the issue.  I filled my heart with the determined goal of contentment to the point I became content in my faith. 

Comfortable.  A little too comfortable.  Eventually lazy.

My heart began aching, yearning for more.  I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly, but more.  And then, all at once, the Lord spoke to me through a book, a conference and a friend.

My heart wants more.  It longs for more.  It is desperate for more.  It no longer wants to live content with the distant relationship I have with my Jesus.

It.  Wants.  More.

I. Want. More.

I want more of my God.  More of his Word.  More intimacy in my faith.   More power in my life.  More impact on the people around me.  More of a servant heart.  More….

I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead.

I am standing at the edge of a cliff again, looking down in a dense patch of fog.  The Lord is asking me to jump, but I cannot see the bottom.  I don’t know what is hiding on the other side of the fog.  All I know is that still small voice is whispering my name, calling me to trust Him and jump.

Jump into more…

Jump into His arms, His embrace, His story written specifically for me.

When I was in high school a friend of mine wrote me an incredible letter, telling me God was calling her to more.  She was asking me to come along with her on this journey.  I dismissed her invitation in fear and judgment.  Her faith seemed to be a little too much and I was comfortable in my shallow faith.  I have been reminded of this letter recently.  God has shown me her faith and how He has used her in mighty ways.  I have no idea what I missed my tossing that letter.  I do know that if given a second chance, I would not ignore her.  I would take her hand and we would jump off the cliff together, as Sisters in Christ, right into our Savior’s arms. 

So I am asking you, will you jump with me?  I don’t know what is there, but I do know my Jesus is calling my name, calling your name, telling us he has more…

I. Want. More.