Apparently, I am a slow learner. Thankfully, I have a patient teacher. I recently shared with you how God has been dealing with me and my major control issues. He has made me aware of the subtle ways I attempt to control every aspect of my life, from my family and friends, to work and home. My prayer has been that God would really show me how to let go of my control and turn it over to Him completely. There are small tests each and every day. My score is much higher on some than others. Yesterday, I did not do so well initially. It took a bit for me to realize that I was failing miserably in a simple test.
We have been making plans for several weeks now for our youngest daughter to have surgery the Friday before Spring Break. The timing is perfect because my husband and I are both on vacation Spring Break and this would give us the time to spend with her during recovery. We have rearranged our schedules to accommodate the surgeons and the post-op appointments. I made one of my famous “check-lists” to make sure I had everything taken care of in the house, at work and with classes at church so I had no lose ends hanging around simply to annoy me. After all of my planning, I waited patiently for a call from the surgeon’s office to confirm the time for the surgery.
Finally, the call came. The nurse and I chatted for a few minutes about the adventure my daughter and I had at Kosair Friday. What began as a simple CT scan and out by lunch became a subsequent and lengthy MRI that kept up is a recovery room until 3:00 in the afternoon. After the pleasantries the nurse advised that we had to postpone the surgery because the neurologist that was now assisting with the surgery could not make it Friday. For some reason I was not able to make it past “postponed”. This was completely unacceptable.
I immediately begin to tear up. I am sure part of my emotional breakdown was out of anger, part from exhaustion. I e-mailed my two prayer warriors and dear friends, letting them know what was going on. As I typed the second e-mail God’s seemed to take control of my hands and type out how this was a test of my control issues. It took a second before it sunk in, but mad did it ever!
Questions began flooding my mind. The Holy Spirit was making me refocus. Who in the world do I think I am getting upset that a surgeon cannot make his schedule fit mine? Why on earth should they accommodate me? There are several parents with children much worse off than my daughter and all I could think about was the fact that they could not sacrifice to get my daughter’s surgery scheduled. Who am I to put God on a time table? He is not required to do anything on my time frame. After all, he is the creator and author of time.
I took a brief walk around the block, enjoying the sunshine and asking God to help me get through this. I know in my heart that He is in control. My daughter is His child, on lease to me. Why would He not have her best interest at heart? He has promised He would never leave nor forsake her, or me. I made my way back up to my office and sat down, feeling lighter but still with a nagging feeling in my stomach.
I continued e-mailing my prayer warriors who both reminded me that this is God teaching me how to let Him take control. This is a test that He is giving me. I have to be willing to allow Him to move freely in this situation and not second guess, worry or get angry because things are not working out the way I want them to. So much easier said that done!
So, now I wait. I have to wait for the surgeon and neurosurgeon to decide what procedure will be most beneficial during surgery, plan it out, then call and give me their decision and a new surgery date. As I sit here in God’s waiting room, He keeps reminding me that this is still part of my test. Do I trust Him? Will I continue to trust Him while I am waiting? Am I really willing to stop worrying about how our lives will be turned upside down because her surgery is not when I want it to be and allow God to set it when He wants it. My heart says yes, but my flesh is not agreeing very well.
If you find yourself in God’s waiting room, don’t feel like you are alone! I am right there with you! Even more important than that, God is in the room with us. He is there to comfort us and give us the peace that passes all understanding. We just have to keep our eyes on Him and trust that He is a promise keeper and faithful to His word.
I am going return to the waiting room now. So grateful that I am not alone!
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