Confidence

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36

As I sit and type these posts, this verse really speaks to my heart.  I have never been filled with even a small amount of self-confidence.  I remember struggling with this as far back as elementary school.  It was not because my parents told me I was not good enough.  In fact, quite the opposite is true.  I was encouraged to try everything, give it my best and never give up.  I never doubted their love for me, or that I was good enough for them.  I have been truly blessed with amazing, loving parents.  So, let me clarify that my lack of self-confidence is not because of my childhood. 

Looking back, I can see that my lack of self-confidence began early in life.  For some reason I became a people pleaser.  I wanted to make everyone happy, even if making them happy removed the joy from my  life.  I was more concerned about having people like me and approve of the things I did in life.  As I got older this desire to please everyone turned in to my desire to fix their problems.  I had friends dealing with issues at  home, with parents, with friends, with boyfriends and I felt that I needed to help them fix their problems.  My focus was always on them.  I remember crying myself to sleep at night for them.  All the while I was suffering silently, so careful to walk on eggshells and not upset the very delicate balance I had obtained in my life.  The more engrossed I became with their issues, the more I could ignore mine.  Then, one day, I had a heartbreaking experience with a guy in middle school.  My entire world came crashing down around me.  He was the one I couldn’t “fix”.  He was the one than could care less about hearing what I had to say or changing his life.  My already paper thin self-confidence completely vanished.  I had nothing. 

A year or so later I became best friends with a girl that I thought was too good to even waste her time looking in my direction.  She was the first person who really seemed to like me for me and not use me to fix her problems.  She was a pastor’s daughter and had a heart for the Lord like I had never seen before.  She was loving and patient with me.  She kept inviting me to church and to spend time with her family.  They adopted me as their own.  Over time the Lord revealed himself to me through this amazing family, and the new friends I was making at church.  Though I was still struggling with my self-confidence, I was learning how important it was to take a good look at myself, learn to like who I was, change what I did not like and accept what I could not change.  This is heavy stuff for a 13 year old girl, let alone a 35 year old woman!

I still struggle with self-confidence.  However, over the past 22 years of walking with the Lord, I am still learning that my confidence cannot be in my self.  My confidence must be in the Lord alone.  I was reminded in a recent sermon that I am not my own.  I was bought with a high price, and I do not belong to myself.  I belong to the Lord.  Therefore my confidence must be placed in the one who died for me, not in my flesh.  There is nothing I can do in my flesh that will grant me the priviledge of eternity in heaven.  I will never be good enough, kind enough, giving enough.  It is only through the blood shed at Calvary and the life of my Savior given for me that I have the confidence of my eternal home in glory.  

Now, I am not saying that I am a worthless pile of junk.  I know that He has given me gifts and talents to use for His glory.  I know that there are things that I do that no one else can do, or at least not in the same way.  I know that I am able to do some pretty amazing things.  However, I must remember that even those gifts and talents are not from me.  They are from the Lord.  It is my job to work on them, enhance them, nurture them, and even share them.  But the moment I begin to pat myself on the back and boost my self-confidence, my God-confidence fades and I become a miserable person. 

I must never lose my confidence in the one who died for me, the one who has blessed me so richly, the one who loves me just as I am.  My prayer is that of Matthew, that I will let my light shine before all men so that when they see my good deeds they will glorify my Father in heaven, and only look to me as one of His many vessels.

 My confidence is in my Lord, not in me.